Who am I and what am I doing here?

As a child I had a huge sense of self. As soon as I was old enough to realize that the world did not revolve around me I wondered what my place in the world was. I used to look at myself in the mirror and ask myself, ‘Who am I and what am I doing here?’ Some nights it would keep me awake. I would wish I could step outside my body and see myself from other’s eyes. Who was I to them? Was I important? Did they know who I was?

I had such lofty ideals for myself. I was going to be a lawyer and one day be just like Sandra Day O’Connor and be on the Supreme Court. I was going to be a Star!

As I grew up I found importance in looking good and feeling good about myself. As most teenage girls, I was self conscious about my body. I went thru a very short lived anorexic phase where I only ate Ramon Noodle soup. I judged everything that went in my mouth to see if it was worth what it would do to my body. I was blessed with wonderful girl friends but God did they have to be size zero’s and two’s! I never left the house without my hair done and make-up applied. I remember one of my friends asking me if I went to the mail box without make-up and after thinking about it I said ‘no’.

I believe my freshman year of college was the first time I didn’t see public without make-up. (Eight o’clock in the morning Bio classes should be outlawed!) My self consciousness defiantly did not diminish in College. I was again blessed with a great roommate, but did she have to be gorgeous, blond and thin? I spent that year of College still not sure who I was and what I was doing there. So many of the people I went to school with had a plan. I had no clue. How did you decide what you were going to BE when you were 18 years old! I felt so alone that year. I purposely choose a school that I knew no one. I truly thought that if I had the opportunity to start new with people that didn’t know me I would find out who I was and what I was doing here. This plan did not work out. I found myself driving home almost every weekend. I needed to be around people that knew me – loved me. I clung to anyone that paid me any attention. I needed a purpose – I needed people to need me.

Once I started in the work place I thrived. I was good at what I did. I felt good about myself because I was so good. I still dress the best for what I could afford and took good care of myself. I took joy in finding that perfect outfit, and getting my hair done colored and highlighted. I still never left the house without looking my best.

Once I got married this need lessoned. I didn’t have as much disposable money. I had my man and he didn’t really care about all that stuff anyway. Once I became a Mommy it has gotten much worse. I’ve let myself go. I’ve gained a gross amount of weight; my hair is not by any means perfect, and most days I don’t even put on make-up.

Don’t get me wrong, I love being a wife and mother. I love my men and would not trade them in for anything. One of my biggest joys is seeing them smile. Even though I love being a wife and mother, I still feel like I’ve lost myself somewhere along the road. I didn’t sign the union card to be a slave to those titles. When do I get back the me time? When do I find out who am I and what am I doing here? When is it OK to pay attention to me again? If I spend any money on me, I feel guilty. Shouldn’t that have gone toward the baby? The fence? The house?

I give so much of myself at work and home every day that I feel drained on most any given day. I know that I am not alone in this. Are women in general programmed to feel like we have to give all of our selves to our family and work? We feel like a selfish person if we feel the need to get away. Is it wrong of me to feel the need for that self discovery that I had when I was a little girl? Most days I don’t even look at myself in the mirror. I don’t like the person looking back at me. Who is this woman? Who is she and what is she doing here?

I hold a number of titles: wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend and employee. When did I let these titles define me?

I have a new goal. I want to lose at least 60 pounds. I want to get my hair done monthly. I want to look stylish again.

I want to take at least one day a month for me. I want to look in the mirror and be proud of who I am again.

What can I do to find the work/home/me balance?

Update: I got my hair done and it is totaly different. I stepped out of my comfort zone and went for it. I've also lost 10 pounds. I can't say I've done make-up everyday, but I tring to remember... I'm still a work in progress.